The other night Laurie and I were griping about how much time we spend agonizing over things we’ve said.
Sometimes I cannot fall asleep for hours because I am replaying some ridiculous thing that floated out of my mouth. I self-flagellate (figuratively, of course), justify, attempt to rationalize my regret away and really the only way I can get myself to go to sleep is by saying, “Aw, fuck it.”
This is a relatively new phenomenon for me, and this is the theory Laurie and I developed. And like any good theory, it’s got STAGES and PROGRESSION and lots and lots of psuedo psychology! So here goes.
Junior High
You really have no opinions because having one opens you up to the skewering ridicule of your classmates. And you would totally! JUST! DIE! if that happened.
High School
You have LOTS OF OPINIONS. Too many. Some well-founded. Some, not so much. But it doesn’t matter because all of your friends have lots of opinions, and really no one listens to anyone else when you’re that age anyway.
College
Hm, interesting. There are other colors in this world besides black and white. Relationships are complicated and maybe even (gasp!) nuanced. You start listening, reserving judgment more often.
Early Twenties
Here, it’s harder to generalize, but for me, I started out in the working world still quiet, listening, learning. Then slowly, as my career gave me some standing in the world, I started having opinions. Gentle, timid, heavily self-censored opinions, but opinions nonetheless.
Mid-to-Late Twenties
Here is where the trouble started. The more experience I’ve had, the more I’ve felt justified in having opinions. So much so that sometimes (often) I share my opinions without the conscious self-censorship. But what happens is:
A. SOME PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO HEAR THEM. Mainly men. Older men you work with who don’t think the wet-behind-the-ears Gidget they’re having to work with could possibly contribute anything of value even though you’ve got the SAME EXACT TITLE as them and are like 80 kabillion times smarter. That’s an approximation.
It’s a little demoralizing.
B. You don’t yet have the confidence to stand by your opinion once it exits your piehole. Thus, the tossing and turning as you realize that maybe you shouldn’t have made that joke about someone’s husband being a freedom fries American, or cautioned someone buying a white cocktail dress to wear to a wedding that tradition forbids it, or told someone not to send that e-mail.
What’s next?
I hear speaker’s remorse lessens with age. So looking forward to that. I’d like to be able to bypass the hours of tossing and turning and head straight to the “Aw, fuck it.” I’d like to retain my outer voice, but um, inner voice? that’s great that you’re concerned about the repercussions of what I say and everything, but could you, like SHUT UP already?
Sunday Undies 