How I Spent My Winter Vacation … In Pictures!

Hi! I’m back from the hinterlands of Redding. And I won’t bore you with too many details of my family bonding time, but here are some representative pics.

The Sunday Undies Family Christmas Tree

Unlike the Griswolds, we didn’t kick off our fun old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols. No, my mom pulled the tree out of the garage. But still, how pretty!

My Co-Conspirator(s)

Penny and her cleavage were my co-conspirators in shaking, prodding, poking, harkening, smelling, and applying centrifugal force to all our presents to see if we could figure them out.

I Like To Call My Mom “Nostalgic Spice”

OK, you can not see the label in this ABOMINABLY CRAPPY photo I took, but our Christmas turkey brine included some allspice from 1977. Later my mom found three tins of mace from 1974. Nevertheless, the turkey turned out GREAT! I highly recommend the SF Chronicle’s recipe, the best they found after cooking 40 turkeys!

Apple Never Falls Far from the Tree

Ever wondered where I learned to spoil my cats so much? My parents don’t even make Bobo get off the table. Mmm, burgers and Bobo.

Breakfast Is SERVED

D.J. Jazzy Jeff serves us up some eggs and sausage.

Warms Your Heart

Well, it does mine, anyway. The Fam — Dad, Penny, me, Mom, Jeff, and Jeff’s wonderful affianced, Jen.

Why Isn’t Northern California Completely Underwater By Now?

This is what most of the NINE-HOUR drive home looked like. Until I hit Southern California and the sweet, sweet sun came out, welcoming me home!

Woohoo!

I’m a Wrappin’ Fool, Yo

Neeta and I at The Grove

You know how that second glass of wine somehow makes you believe you have tapped into a world of WISDOM and INSIGHT? Apparently one too many days in consumer-driven frenzy can make you believe you are The New Wrapping Czar. I thought I was channeling the spirit of Martha Stewart in my bedroom over the last couple days and I HAVE WRAPPED. Wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. Bizarre, hitherto unknown combinations of wrapping materials. I am The Iron Wrapper.

Behold:

Oh yes. There is a big pink gerber daisy on a present for my dad. He’s going to LOVE it! And those cute jingle bells on Penny’s present? Oh, they will be a nice, unabating accompaniment on the NINE-HOUR DRIVE up to Redding* tomorrow. Luckily Fred & Ethel will be so drugged they won’t hear the constant ringing of holiday cheer in the trunk.

Normally I am a crappy wrapper (wow, that’s a horrible sentiment divorced from present-giving context).

And it’s really a miracle I could wrap at all given all the help I had:

But something took a hold of me and all of a sudden I WAS ON WRAPPING FIRE.

And now my poor family and friends have to pay the price of my fervor. Ah, how I love to give!

*Or, The ‘Ding, as my sister calls it. Where I get no celll reception at the ‘rents. So e-mail is my lone connection to the real world for the next week, aside from trips into town for Starbucks or take-out or last-minute mall purchases. Really, though, sounds heavenly. Yay, vacation!

Finally, The Holiday Spirit Awakens

It took five days, four days of listening to Christmas music, three days of cleaning my apartment, two trips to Target, one John Waters Christmas Special with Gloria, AND a phone call from a long-lost best friend from junior high, and finally the holiday spirit has taken root.

New shoes:

Fred helps make the bed:

Also, I managed to complete 24 out of my 51 New Year’s resolutions from last year, which, for me, is not half bad!

Assorted Letters

Dear Man Who Told Me I Would Never Procreate,

Thank you for your concern over my languishing ovaries.

Out with Gloria and Scarlett Ace last night, I wasn’t really thinking about them, so I appreciate your gentle reminder.

I do wonder, though, if the reminder was less out of the goodness of your heart and more because you were pissed when I laughed at your goofy pick-up line about us being the most bee-yoo-ti-ful girls ever to walk into The Bar. Because it was then you said really we were only kind of cute and that probably we Aspired to Beautiful and that really, I’D NEVER PROCREATE.

I kind of suspected there was a war going on before this anyway. Men and women live on different planets, there are rules of engagement, we just aren’t that into one another, and apparently some of us are totally unnecessary to the equation.

But, Man Who Told Me I Would Never Procreate? I hadn’t been absolutely sure it had escalated to civil war until last night.

So, this note is to notify you I’m withdrawing my forces. I know I said the man hiatus ends on Jan 1, but maybe not. I think I’ll wait ’til a truce has been struck.

No need to head into the breach in the midst of armed combat.

Kisses,
Jen

***

Dear Everyone I Promised a Christmas Mix CD,

I am really sorry, but they will not be going out this year. I just haven’t had time. I know I am lame. HOWEVER, in lieu of the Christmas mix, I WILL be sending you an extra special winter-y mix that should arrive early January. It will be like a birthday present in reverse.

XOXO
Jen

***

Dear Woman In Front of Penny, Rachel, Michelle and me at Forever21,

When your husband tells you that your poor little chihuahua is about to piss itself, this does NOT mean it’s OK for you to take a third trip back to the rack to find a white t-shirt without any strings hanging off of it while the rest of us wait. Because:

A. That is a futile quest. No shirt in Forever21 DOESN’T have string hanging off of it. This is why they cost $2.99.

(A totally unrelated) B. Tapered pants went out in 1990, and they haven’t come back FOR A REASON. And even carrying a Chanel purse cannot make up for the fact that you are wearing them.

C. Why did you get the dog if you were just going to torture it? SO WRONG.

No kisses or hugs,
Jen

Q: What Does Freedom Taste Like?

By request, from Neeta, who is still working on her 24-HOUR Law & Sexuality final. You go, girl! Sex it right up! You’re almost there!

A: Suspiciously like wine.

And like more than 3 hours of sleep a night. And eating something other than Potato Buds. For breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Yes, I probably have scurvy.

But who cares?! Because I AM FREE! Free like the wind! I AM Misty of Chincoteague, man! Nothing to study or outline for THREE WEEKS! I could do anything! I could live in a yurt! I could like, get married AND get it annulled in THREE WEEKS! The possibilities are endless!

And so what have I been doing?

Uh, meeting the cable guy to get my interweb back, cleaning my apartment and going to Target.

But! It has been an adventure! Because I totally forgot that I, like, you know, LIVE IN LA (props dude if you watched that show — Evan Handler! Chris Eigeman! A.J. Langer! and Jennifer Grey! How did it not survive? Was the car-chase-city-shuts-down episode so unrelatable to non-LA inhabitants? If so, this does not bode well for my story.).

Anyway.

Going to Target in Hollywood is too fun. It is full of very toned, tanned PYTs in women’s jeans and muscle shirts buying iPods and beaded pillows who are NONE TOO PLEASED to have to share an aisle with me. And cute little moms buyings tampons and trying to keep the munchkins from toppling over the pantiliner display. And then there are the hipsters. And generally, I have indie blood in me, so I don’t judge.

But really? Mutton chops? Coupled with a phat moustache? Not so much. Yet I counted THREE faux-70s moustache/’burn combos in Tar-jay. One was so thick and full I went into spasms of gleeful gross-out thinking of him eating brunch at AMMO and getting eggs in it.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a mutton-chop-free week, and I will you a little bit of the extra JOY I am currently experiencing at being FREE! Free like a bird! A bird that likes to drink a lot.

p.s. Christmas mixes in the mail tomorrow, woohoo! Sorry so late!

More Christmas Presents

Yay! Finally I feel reconnected with the world again. I have:

1. Read all the blogs I love. Made sure no one got married, came out, got knocked up and such.
2. Caught up on my celebrity news.

a. CAN YOU BELIEVE Matt Damon is married? To a hott, big-boobed bartender-cum-interior designer? What is wrong with a not-so-hot, not-so-(ok who are we kidding not AT ALL)-big-boobed, really grumpy and kind of smelly law student, I ask you? There is no accounting for taste.

b. I normally love Scarlett Johansson. Thought she rocked in Manny & Lo and Lost in Translation. But, um, yikes! Read her NY Times piece on gifts. Very “let them eat cake.”

3. Received some mail, including the above tin of COOKIES! I don’t take the elevator in my building because 1) caught elevator distrust from Laurie whispering, “I didn’t think these people look like survivors. Do you?” every time we waited one out, and 2) stairs are faster. So I didn’t get the news that we had new mailboxes, which required new keys, my manager hasn’t been in, etc. etc. So I have been bereft of mail for two weeks!

   But now, I have COOKIES! Care of my future summer employer. And they are much welcome, but I do (of course) have complaints. Did they really NEED to include the calorie count? Where is the Christmas joy in 170 calrories per “Frosted Holiday Cut-out?” Also, they didn’t just include the nutrional info for the cookies I got, but for ALL their products. So instead of enjoying my cookies, I spent a lot of time wondering what “Enrobed Chocolate Mint Shortbread” might be, and what life would be like had I received “Mini Buttercream Chocolate Chocolate Chip.”

4. Left my apartment for the first time in TWO WEEKS to do something other than go to class or to a final. It was just to the store to get BEER, which is also something I haven’t had in TWO WEEKS, but that’s something!
5. I am finally finishing up the Indie Christmas Mixes I promised. I won’t be able to send them out until Wednesday, after my last final, but at least there’s progress!

And what is all this Christmas cheer the result of? Oh, the fact that in the MIDDLE of my Real Estate Finance FINAL, my computer decided to shut off. Just cuz. And continued to shut off every two minutes. So, I probably failed. And that? That calls for some beer and some bloggin’. Happy f’ing holidays to me.

And to you (minus the f’ing part)!

My First Christmas Present

Gosh I love finals.

DO YOU KNOW what I accidentally dreamt about this morning?

(1) Having really gross sex (that’s right! not even good sex!) with a Con Law classmate who totally skeeves me out and whom I would much rather bop over the head a la Little Bunny Foo Foo, NOT have sex with…

(2) Because North Korea, in violation of both convention-based and customary international law, was threatening NUCLEAR WAR.

Thanks for that little gift, finals! Kisses! Happy holidays!

Something To Remove the Taint…

…of yesterday’s post. But because finals has left me still scrambling for anything interesting (unless you want to hear my thoughts on maritime law or how all law students are A-HOLES), here’s a me!me! from Laurie, since she tagged the whole world.

TEN random things you might not know about me.
1: I am the worst know-it-all EVER. Except maybe all my friends.
2: Sometimes, in the quest to know it all, I might make stuff up.
3: I got kicked out of Model UN in high school.
4: I (gasp!) really enjoy country music.
5: I’m a serious feminist.
6: I’m convinced one arm is fatter than the other and often do contrast-and-compares when I’m getting ready to go out.
7: I love spy novels.
8: I would always rather park far away or on the top level in order to avoid fighting for a spot. This is also why I rarely will bid at an eBay auction — I only use the Buy It Now feature.
9: I feel naked without earrings, but this is a new development. I didn’t wear them for years.
10: I have a surprisingly huge noggin.

NINE places I’ve visited.
1: Rio
2: Vancouver and Victoria
3: All but about 6 of the 48 continguous states of this union.
4: Plus Hawaii
5: Ensenada
6: London
7: Bits of Scotland
8: Cancun
9: And I’ve lived in DC, SF, LA, NY, Sacramento, Santa Cruz, Redding, CA, and Kirksville, MO.

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1: Touch me (really, it’s been so long, that might be all it takes).
2: Cook me stuff.
3: Scratch my back (this is a female family weakness. My poor dad is hit up hourly when my sister, mom and I are all around).
4: Hold my hand.
5: Listen.
6: Make me a mix CD with lots of amiguously meaningful songs I can spend like 80 hours deciphering the meaning of.
7: Get me REAL drunk.
8: Be governed by a strong code of ethics.

SEVEN things I want to do before I die
1: Get my law degree.
2: Pump our a couple munchkins.
3: Get married. Oops, probably #2 before #3.
4: Travel lots.
5: Own a home.
6: Make an (good) impact in my community.
7: Sleep with a professor.

SIX things I’m afraid of
1: Debt.
2: The day I wear sweaters with Christmas applique non-ironically.
3: Anger.
4: Finding out I’m really of only average intelligence and it’s all been a fluke so far.
5: Oh, the Briget Jones fear of dying alone, eaten by wild dogs.
6: Being found out as the nerd I was in junior high and in fact always have been.

FIVE things I don’t like
1: Anything low-fat or non-fat.
2: People with an ill-founded sense of entitlement.
3: Cheaters.
4: Left-lane drivers.
5: Polyester.

FOUR ways to turn me off
1: Be mean to my friends.
2: Don’t call when you say you will.
3: Have no aspirations or ideas about what you’d like from life.
4: Have a tongue ring (even though I used to have one myself).

THREE Things I do everyday
1: Take a bath.
2: Hit snooze 8 kajillion times until I finally convince myself to get out of bed. Not due to depression but because I REALLY love to sleep.
3: Fantasize about what my first post-school purchases will be.

TWO things that make me happy
1: Knowing I made someone feel better.
2: Talking out my ass and not getting caught doing it.

ONE thing on my mind right now
1: Finals. Egads.

And now? I tag the rest of you!