The Fairy Tale

My baby brother got married to a wonderful woman this weekend. It was the most amazing thing. My favorite moments:

1) Watching Jeff pace the garden at The Hastings House, memorizing his vows.

2) When my sister and I both realized simultaneously that the second song they played was from Pretty Woman (Lauren Wood’s Fallen), the scene where they get on the plane to head to the SF opera house.

3) Watching my mom and dad cut some serious rug on the dance floor. Never seen either one of them dance before.

4) Hearing Jeff’s wife(!) Jen use the words, “like” and “awesome” in her vows. She rocks.

5) Knowing that whatever life brings them, they’ll face it with love.

It’s funny. I’ve lost my innocence about marriage. Part of it might be watching Laurie go through the last few years of hell. Part of it might be watching my own ill-begotten hopes at matrimony fall apart. I’ve stopped thinking it will definitely happen for me mainly because I know I won’t let it happen unless it’s with someone I know is in it for the long haul. And that’s hard to come by. Usually you can weed them out by the second date, really. Sometimes even the first.

Not many people have staying power.

But watching my brother and Jen stand up there in front of everyone, seeing their eyes full of love, knowing they’ll make it. Then watching my parents and Jen’s parents get their groove on. Made me think, well, maybe.

Maybe. I’m not ready to get googly-eyed and 22 again. And I definitely don’t want the fairy tale. I don’t even really think I’m ready to get married. But maybe I’m ready to stop being such a cynic and get out there again and hope for the best. Not for the fairy tale, but for something warm and comfortable, and, as Jen says, for something awesome.

Harold Always Puts Me in a Good Mood

You know when you start a new job, and you don’t know what the hell you’re doing for the first few weeks, months?

That is where I am.

And I don’t know if this happens to you, but when I am unmoored in one area of my life, the rest of it comes untethered. Suddenly, I am saying inappropriate things and doing even more inappropriate things and SICK and not calling people back and my apartment is a mess and my arms start to look fat in my mind. This is just how it goes. Fun for the whole family!

“This is how it goes” reminds me of the “it is what it is” montage during the Top Chef reunion show. Did anyone read that William Safire NYT piece on that phrase? Normally WS gives me hives, but I liked this one. Also, can I tell you how cute Harold from Top Chef is? And also, can you believe they chose this double-chin shot for his online bio? Who did he piss off?

I dunno, but he’s still so cute! He can forget my jicama any day. And haha if you don’t watch the show because you are trying to figure out what forgetting the jicama could be a euphamism for. Actually, if you think of anything funny, lemme know!

And all this STUFF has distracted me from one of the most important things ever to happen to our family. To wit: my little brother Jeff is getting MARRIED next weekend? Married? Married! Married? Married! I can’t even fathom all the ways this will change us all. I am grateful, in any case, that he has chosen the best possible match for him ever, Jen.

And you know, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But since Jeff knows about this part of Jen’s bachelorette party in Vegas last weekend, here are Jen’s boobs in her Bridefest 2K6 t-shirt that Penny and I made for her. And also, there’s the shrimp cake from Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grill.

And here are the fantabulous rings Jen’s best lady Nicole put in our goodie bags.

And now, writing this, reality is setting in, my brother is GETTING MARRIED PEOPLE!, and I am just so excited for this weekend. And so is Warren Slocum; just ask my too funny brother Jeff. Oh, the humanity.

First Day, Burning Questions

Today was my first day at work at The Firm. There was lots of orienting involved. Firm orientation, library orientation, technology orientation, and of course an ergonomics video from the 1980s w/ some serious Lee Press-Ons and a shot of a Macintosh HD box. Awesome.

A very good first day.

And my burning question is: what should I bring to work tomorrow to decorate my new office with?

a) My homies and my bunny.

b) A nice line-up of Tums, Gas-X, and Pepto Bismol, to scare anyone out of my office quickly.

c) An 8×10 glossy of my cats. Also to scare anyone out of my office quickly.

d) My old softball trophies, and the ribbon from when I won the long jump in 2nd grade.

What do you think?

Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball

In just a few hours I will be playing my first team sport (kickball) in, oh, about FIFTEEN YEARS. I’m more than a little nervous.

I don’t have a good track record in team sports. I played softball in elementary school, and was doing fine, made my way up to shortstop from third base until, I don’t know, somehow my luck changed. I think it was this ground ball that bounced up and gave me a big goose egg in the middle of my forehead, which then drained down until I had two black eyes for weeks. My confidence was on shaky ground after that, and then next thing you know I start throwing the bat. Finally, I totally creamed the pitcher and got ejected from the game. And of course that was a game my dad could actually attend. Oh, the shame.

So I’m a little nervous about this evening. I have several nightmare images running through my mind, most of which involve me on the ground with my pants around my knees.

At least I have some cute new sweats to wear! Although they are a little tighter than what I’m accustomed to. I hope no one judges. Jen “Slutty Sweats” SundayUndies is not a good nickname.

Luckily, kickball just involves a nice, happy friendly red ball — how bad can it be, right? This is what I’m telling myself. But if the ball begins to smoke, I will get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

I Feel Just Like That Guy from Shawshank Redemption

Those were the very apropos words of Neeta an hour ago, when we finished OUR LAST FINAL!

I am so crazed from the joy and the 1.5 hours of sleep and the prospect of NO STUDYING FOR THREE MONTHS that I don’t even know what to do with myself! Besides do the “Guess who’s done with finals (to the tune of Homer’s You Don’t Win Friends with Salad)” dance around my apartment.

I guess I better get busy living.

Big Drinks, Porn, and the Culinary Arts

Three finals (in three days!) down, one more to go. Also:

1) When I told Gloria that when this was all over on Monday I would need a drink the size of my head, she said, “That’s a big drink.”

Pic from a BBQ over at Laurie’s last summer.

2) One of my favorite things to do when procrastinating is to Google people. This is how I discovered that this woman from my golf class is an adult film star! I tell Gwen this, and Gwen replies, “Shouldn’t she be taking a class out at LA Valley College?” Later, I tell Laurie, without telling her Gwen’s reaction, and she says, “Oooh, is she from the Valley?”* I love my friends, and I love LA.

3) Another of my favorite procrastination methods is IM. In fact, usually I have to disconnect my computer from the innernets entirely during finals. But this week I’ve been bad, and this is my conversation with a Fellow Procrastinating Classmate:

FPC: L O S T

me: i haven’t been able to watch it for weeks, months
but i am totally watching top chef tonight

FPC: you’re that dedicated, huh?

me: i am
it’s the next to last one

FPC: i meant about school
but i like that top chef was interpreted

me: ha

Ha. Can’t wait for Monday and that drink the size of my (ginormous) head.

*Also, if you are not from LA, never saw Boogie Nights, and have no idea why I think this is so funny, it’s because the San Fernando Valley is the porn capital of the US.